Oh, the best laid plans. I thought for SURE I was done with doing the recaps ... but I went and told my fellow "contestants". Peer pressure!
So, I'll continue doing the recaps for now. A bit of a disclaimer:
I like to keep things positive on this blog.... but I also like to keep things real. MasterChef was a big part of my life this year - 6 months, full time.. and then some! - but I don't have a ton of positive things to say about it, aside from all of the awesome friends I made. If I can't be positive, at least I can be honest... and honestly, there is a good chance that my recaps will devolve into "Joe is a moron. The end" by the finale. Hey, the show wanted me for my lack of filter, right? LOL!
So... If you're adverse to negativity and drama, you may wanna skip my recaps of a trashy reality show that treated my friends like crap! 🙂
Ok. Here we go.
As the show starts, I have two thoughts, and both are about Krissi Biasiello.
1. WHO is Krissi gonna fight tonight?
2. I'm starting to hate Krissi a little because she's one of those *PRETTY* chunky chicks. Makes pasty, puffy, blotchy me a bit jealous. I won't hate her too much, though: She may BE one of those pretty ones, but she don't routinely bleat about it. LOL!
This episode features the first team challenge of the year. Much like with the display of lamb on the previous set of episodes, I feel a bit of a twinge. Though I don't usually play well with others, it would have been cool to be able to do a team challenge. I am SUCH a logistics freak... but I guess things going smoothly don't make for good TV. LOL!
Opening montage of the contestants on a bus, driving through LA. Gotta say, I do NOT miss being driven through LA.
Joe's shoes look so stupid with his suit and overall demeanor.
The contestants are told they're cooking lunch for over 300 elementary kids. They have 1:45 to cook it, and 90 minutes to serve.
Ramsay is doing his faux Shatner thing again. Is this supposed to be suspenseful or dramatic or something? I know I'm not Fox's target market for ANYTHING, much less reality TV, but... bleh.
Jordan and Jessie are team captains this week, and alternate picking their teams. (and I'm SO glad I got to avoid the rehash of always getting picked last in school, LOL!)
As they are picking, I notice once again that every one of the women have their long hair down. Where this is preparing food for the public, I really hope they're made to wear hair nets. You'd think food prep regulations would apply at this point, right?
Hrm, apparently not.
Right away, Jessie's Red Team is talking about how kids don't want green vegetables, so they choose corn. Sigh.
First off, I hate that the show is encouraging and/or perpetuating BS about kids hating veggies. Kids hate veggies when they're told to hate veggies. Maybe stop all the crap about "Oooh, they're picking GREEN BEANS, the kids will HATE THAT!", and kids will love green veggies like normal human beings.
My favorite veggie as a kid was Brussels Sprouts. Never had anyone filling my head with "Not supposed to like that!" nonsense.
Secondly, corn is a grain... NOT a vegetable. (And hey, shameless plug here... my newest cookbook, Sweet Corn Spectacular comes out in just 3 weeks! Preorder now!)
They decide on Chicken Teriyaki.
The Blue Team goes for spaghetti and meatballs.
Gordon starts carrying on about how Chicken Teriyaki is a bad choice, because it's brown and kids will hate it. Joey Coattails agrees, saying that between spag and meatballs, and chicken Teriyaki "no doubt in his mind, he's going for the spaghetti and meatballs".
Well, duh. Joey doesn't go for anything that's not Italian.
Also, let's be serious. If your kids turn up their nose at chicken teriyaki, odds are good that you're either a bad cook, or a bad parent as it relates to food.
Joe and Graham go to the red team and tell them that they're cooking the chicken wrong.
I'm really distracted by everyone's hair down. Gordon and Graham are chefs, and Joey Coattails owns restaurants. I'm blown away that NONE of them put their foot down and have the contestants practice proper food prep hygiene. Guess I know a few restaurants I won't be eating at... ew.
So the kids go running and screaming at the competitors.
The announcer mentions that the teams have 1 hour to serve. What happened to the 90 minutes mentioned earlier? Does Fox think that there are 90 minutes in an hour now? (I wouldn't be surprised...)
Lots of footage of the kids giving opinions of the food.
Man, this episode could be soooo suspenseful if the show hadn't spoilered the winners way back even before the cast list was announced. What genius decided to show challenge results coverage?
Having seen the Red Team victorious in that commercial, I find all of the crap about chicken teriyaki is WAY over the top. There is not subtlty or nuance in reality TV, huh? "They're going to lose! They're going to lose! OMG THEY WON WHO SAW THAT COMING!?". Lame.
Graham refers to corn as a veggie. Sigh.
The last kid who walks through the red team's table is subjected to waving and whooping... poor kid.
Footage of the blue team talking about who's going home.
Jordan's given the opportunity to "save" three people from the pressure test. He saves Howard and James, is told that he can save himself for the third option. So... he does. Of course.
I hate it when team captains do this. From what is shown, it's his "leadership" and lack of logistics that ended them up there. Krissi declares it to be a "bitch move", and I agree. Competitions should have more sportsmanship and honour... even if it's a "competition", in quotes! 🙂
So, the 6 remaining people have to make cheesecake.
They have only 90 minutes to make, bake, chill, AND garnish a cheesecake. Ridiculous.
Gordon declares that the CRUST is the secret to a great cheesecake, saying that "when your base is solid, your mixture is solid".
Dear Gordo... your cheesecake batter is completely separate from your crust. Your crust has no real influence on how cohesive your batter is, I have NO idea what the hell you're getting on with...
Also, the real key to a successful cheesecake is to take your time mixing it GENTLY, and cook it at a low temperature for a long time. Period. You know... something that they don't actually allow the contestants enough time for!
Adriana is cooking mango cubes and guava paste together, ingredients from the "limited pantry" provided to top the cheesecakes.
After some footage of drama, the judges start talking condescendingly about how Adriana "just used canned guava paste... come on!".
Given that they'd shown her cooking a topping of mangoes AND guava paste, I'm not sure how they justify the "just" in there. Also, guava paste is a specialty item. A delicacy! What is it even doing in the "limited" pantry, if they're going to carry on like she's slathering her cheesecake in Velveeta?
... also, seriously, they apparently let Howard get an apron on a canned peach cobbler. Guava paste > canned peaches.
Joe's thoughts on cheesecake - especially given the parameters of competition - are BEYOND stupid. "DDDUUUUUHHHH I'm from New York, I expect cheesecake to be 6" tall, even though we don't give you the TIME for it". Dumbass.
They like Krissi's cake, after the peanut gallery trashes her (including what seems to be a snotty comment on her weight, from Jordan).
John presents an interesting looking pineapple cake. Joe uses his fingers to shove a piece in his maw (It's cheesecake, you neanderthal. Use a damn fork!), then makes some weird comments about how the pineapple topping is a *contrasting* texture for the cheesecake, and he doesn't like that.
Joe, you ignorant slut.
What are you even doing "judging" a cooking show? ALL decent cooking features contrasts of all types, including texture. The whole POINT of cheesecake topping is to provide a stark contrast to the cheesecake itself - in color, texture, acidity, sweetness, etc. Moron.
Kathy presents a cheesecake with a berry compote, nails it.
Eddie makes a vanilla bean cheesecake with mixed berry compote. Judges give him some flak about not draining his compote first, but overall they like it.
Savannah made a salted caramel cheesecake that doesn't look like a cheesecake. It looks GOOD, but just not like cheesecake.
The judges rip on Adriana's guava cheesecake with mango and coconut - which looks INSANE, btw ... I would eat the hell out of that! - Gordo starts carrying on about canned guava paste again.
Adriana goes home. Ridiculous.
Ok, on to the second episode of the night.
Mystery Box Challenge time. Contestants are told that someone will be cooking alongside them, blah blah. It's Ramsay, who goes on to showboat and drink tea for half the challenge. Meh.
The contestants have cod... oooh I love cod. Anyway, they have a bunch of Asian ingredients with it.
JESSIE TIES HER HAIR BACK!
Well, sort of. A ponytail is a start.
Ramsay goes and has a tea, etc, before BIG DRAMA starts cooking, and then all the focus is on what he's doing. Description about what he's doing, etc. Forget the contestants.
One thing I dislike about this show is that it's all basically a circle jerk for the judges. MasterChef Australia, for example, is WAY more about the competitors.
Joey Coattails seriously made fun of Gordo's regionally appropriate pronunciation of "basil". EXPRESSO, Joey!
Gordo's dish is presented with a great flourish, and Joey invites the contestants to taste "how a real Master Chef does it".
"Master Chef" is actually a professional designation, attained through a specific accredited program and intensive testing. There are very few actual Master Chefs in the world (Pretty sure it's under 100!). I can't find any reference anywhere to Gordon Ramsay ACTUALLY being a Master Chef.
Hrm.. I wonder if I can just adopt "Doctor" as a label. I mean, because training and earning a professional designation apparently means nothing anymore. "Doctor Overlord Marie"? "Overlord Doctor Marie"? Which works better? And where do I fit in "Czar of Cakes" with that? LOL!
Howard apparently plated raw fish. I don't even get why he's still in the competition. Nothing he's made so far has stood out in any positive sense, and nothing he's done gives any indication that he knows how to cook at ALL. I mean.. AT ALL...
... and, aside from the odd snark at Krissi, he's not really there as a big personality player.
I have to wonder if all of the behind-the-scenes drama he had going with another contestant is going to end up coming out as a plot point. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to that (Schadenfreude!), or dreading it. The show will step into irreparable trashiness if they go there...
The contestants all present their meals.
It's almost too bad that Lynn Chyi is so reserved and drama free on the show. He gets like NO face time, and all his food looks *beyond* gorgeous.
Wouldn't it be great if the show focused on the FOOD, rather than the judges and/or BS drama?
Luca wins the challenge, is given the choice between decorated cookies, cupcakes, and ca... WAIT A MINUTE. Are they using a freaking FUNFETTI CAKE as the demonstration?
WHY YES I THINK THEY ARE.
... Why would you DO that? I mean, I get throwing together a box mix in the interest of saving a few minutes for something that likely won't be eaten, but why wouldn't they use a plain flavor, not easily-identifiable FUNFETTI.
Man, they really are going for trashy this year!
(Note: I don't judge people who like Funfetti. We all have guilty pleasures... but this is GORDON RAMSAY presenting the cake on a "competition" show!)
Luca picks cupcakes. I am bored.
He's also given the advantage of handicapping one of the others for the challenge.
Luca takes Jordan's mixer, as punishment for his earlier bitch move. I'll admit, he's kind of adorable about it.
I can't believe how much drama is being forced over Jordan not having a mixer to work with. What a bunch of wusses we've become. All KINDS of cakes and pastries were made LONG before stand mixers (or electricity, for that matter) were even invented.
Gordon gives Kathy some hassle over her putting stuff on the bottom of her cupcakes. "Why complicate them?" he asks. "Why not?" is her answer. I like it!
Graham makes some comment about how Bethy has flour and sugar "all over her face". If he honestly thinks that having flour on her face is somehow indicative of not knowing cupcakes, he's never been in a bakery... and DEFINITELY never been around a baking competition.
Luca is called downstairs.
Howard is first to present. Says he has "Tahitian Vanilla Bean Cupcake"... except that there's no bean, he just used extract. Um...?
So guava paste is bad, but calling cupcakes "vanilla bean cupcakes" when only using EXTRACT is Ok? Oh boy...
No mention is made of the fact this his cupcakes look like crap, and have barely any frosting on them. There is a MINIMUM frosting to cake ratio that should be attained, he missed it by a mile.
Malcolm's cupcakes looked delicious until they were cut into. Also, one of these years, MasterChef will cast people who know how to pronounce "Mascarpone cheese".
Bime's cupcakes pretty good, decent frosting ratio.
I'm laughing at Joey Coattails being so offended at Kathy putting stuff on the bottom of her cupcakes.
For someone who is "SOOOOOO NYC!", I'm shocked that he doesn't seem to realize that what Kathy did is actually quite popular, even trendy. I mean, NYC is pretty much the cupcake capital of the WORLD. You'd think a food "expert" would be familiar with such cupcakes.
Bethy made three types of cupcakes, including Bananas Foster, Raspberry Lime, and an Almond Chocolate cupcake with Hazelnut Liqueur.
Anyway, her cupcakes look really good!
Jessie's cupcakes look good, if small and irregular.
Jordan presents his cupcakes, which look good. He says "marscarpone". LOL. Top home cooks in America!
Luca is invited to taste Jordan's cupcakes, and he looks SO excited. He takes a bite, loves it. Seriously, he looks like someone needs to hand him a towel.
He asks if he can keep it, which is adorable for about a second... then my husband yells "HE IS PROBABLY STARVING!" right next to me.
Looooong drawn out "deliberation" and elimination drama.
Bime and Bethy are selected as the two winners / team captains for next episode.
Malcolm goes home.